Tuesday, December 05, 2006

i want to be big

Tomorrow I turn 30. I am not making this announcement as a proclamation for gifts or cupcakes or champagne, even though I adore all those things. I say it because having a birthday is a natural time to think about the past year, decade, lifetime and come to some realizations about where you are and where you have been.

Anyone who knows me knows I am horribly obsessed with music. I have it on all the time, we have close to a 1,000 CD's and sing in the shower, loudly. Oddly enough, there have only been two times in my life that I recall a "soundtrack" to that birthday. In 1993, when I turned 17, I got pregnant with the associate ministers son and had an abortion. As one can imagine, that changed my life forever. I was still 16, a junior in high school and thought I was so grown up. As cliché as it sounds, R.E.M.'s Automatic for the People saved my life. I bought that CD on a trip to where I live now, at a trashy little music shop in the "alternative" part of town. The CD skips continually because I have listened to it so much. The case is cracked and it looks like there is some dried beer on it. I haven't listened to it in years but I know if I were to hear Man on the Moon my heart would open up all over again with pain, hate, fear and anger, the perfect mix for being 17. I would cried for everything that wasn't anymore. I don't regret decisions I have made with my life and know that so many are better because of them. I regret growing up so quickly at such a young age. I don't want to be 17 again.

In 2004 I was living in a small town in northeastern Oklahoma, recently in the process of a divorce from my husband, living at a residential children's facility, working my ass off. My apartment was a far cry for the luxury I had lived in with him, complete with cinder block walls, classy 1970's paneling and carpet that often had mold growing out of it. This period of time is now lovingly called my winter of discontent. I didn't like anything and it showed. I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day, drank like I was an accomplished drunk and made lots of stupid decisions. I hurt and what better way to deal with the hurt than to just dive down deeper. I purchased a John Mayer CD at Wal-Mart on a whim and it lived in my player for the month of December. Heavier Things reminded me of all the heavy things I had done that year. It reminded me that we all hurt and make stupid decisions but somehow it all ends up ok. I put that CD in this year as I was drinking some wine, looking at my decorated Christmas tree, listening to my daughters faint snoring in the background. It took a lot for me to get to this point. It took internal and external struggle, self destruction, self hate, grace, love and forgiveness. When I turned 28 I didn't know what joy my life would have, what peace I would find and how good it would feel to finally allow myself to be loved. 28 was my turning point. In January, I met a little boy named Corbin who looked like my husband did when he was little. I called my husband to ask something meaningless just so I could hear his voice and started crying. His only response was whispering the words, please come home. And I did and it was hard. We had different skin and things were heavy, but I could handle the weight then. 28 wasn't so bad.

This year has brought a lot of change, birthing the bean not withstanding. I met my sister for the first time and felt her pain and remembered mine about our father. I saw what my life could have been and it scared me. I have hugged my mother and husband more in thanks since that meeting. I decided that I couldn't do my father and step mother anymore. I couldn't handle the instant love they had for my daughter, the resentment I still held towards him and I never imagined how freeing it would be to realize I didn’t have to deal with them anymore. I gave up something professionally that I had been working towards for 10 years. After I put the letter in the mail slot I tried to stick my hand back in and get it, but it was gone. I got the conciliatory letter back saying they were sad to see me go but wished good things for me. I lost another part of my family by doing that. I lost something that at one time was all I ever wanted to do.

This year I gained more responsibility at my job and was complimented by a leading fundraiser in the city where I live. I won two awards for applications I submitted for my agency and I raised enough money to ensure that children would still have a place to sleep and be safe at during the night. I had a baby. A little girl that still brings tears to my eyes when I look into hers, a little girl I never thought I would have and didn't think I deserved. A little girl that has made me love her more than I ever thought I could. My husband and I have entered a new season, one of sleepless nights, dried oatmeal in our hair and tiny socks mixed in with ours. My love for him is deeper than it has ever been. It scares me that I am so vulnerable but if not with him, then who? I have good friends who I love like family and I have family that I love no matter what.

I can't even begin to imagine what my 30's will look like. I seem to think they will be full of wine parties with close friends, laughter that makes me cry and kisses that are so wet I have to wipe my cheek afterwards. There will be tears and hurt because there always is but in return there is always grace and hope. I am more confident now than ever before. It feels good.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

You Come Regular Like Seasons

A few years back, in an attempt to make sense of our emotional well being, one of my best friends and I came up with a vocabulary of relationships. Noting that both of us were/are not the pinnacle of healthy interactions with the opposite sex only fueled our conversation as we sat for hours drinking strong martini's and listening to The Cure.

We didn't figure out much that night, other than 100 proof vodka is not the way to go, but we did come up with some ways to define certain points and men in our lives. I have always felt these to be universal feelings and maybe you don't use these exact words to define who they are, but I can almost guarantee you will know that man within five seconds of reading our definitions.

My "ism" is from high school. We met in 1993 which was a rough year for me, as it seemed all my angst rolled into one big pretty ball right at that moment. We worked together and literally, for 13 years, we have done this dance. It never is right. One of us has someone, lives someplace else, is working too much, is doing a PhD, is tired of love, is getting divorce, has a baby. You know the list, it goes on. He pops up out of no where, the email showing up on my account, my heart aching with forgotten memories. I have his number in my cell phone but we haven't talked in years. His pictures are buried in my box of forgotteness, my picture is still in his wallet.

We haven't kissed since 1995. I saw him in 2004, right after my husband and I had made the decision to get a divorce. I was living back in my home state, he was visiting his parents. We went and ate Mexican food and drank beer at a dive little place in downtown. We held hands under the table and talked about all the things we had done wrong. I drove him back to his fathers house and we sat in my car, holding each other, appropriately enough listening to Wilco, both knowing nothing would happen this time either. That was the last time I saw him. We have shared a smattering of emails, no more lost wishes. There are lots of guys I have been with in more intimate ways than he and I have shared. Hearing from him makes my heart go into my mouth. I never want to be with him, I know it would never work. The comfort I have is always knowing he is there, even when it doesn't matter.

Oddly enough, my ism isn't the next issue I have. I think every woman has a weakness, that one guy that no matter how happy you are in your relationship, no matter how much he has hurt you before, you see him and in one second your panties are around your ankles and you are up against the wall. Ok, maybe the panties are a bit much, but I think we all know what I am talking about: your kryptonite.

He is the guy that is way tall, with dark hair and deep set dark eyes. He wears a baseball cap, a lot, and a black pea coat. His cords hang on his narrow hips and when he stretches, you see the tops of his boxer shorts slightly elevated above his belt. His six pack abs stun you. He is quiet, likes to camp and hike and even has a chocolate lab. He drives a car with racks on top and listens to Radiohead through his iPod at his desk. He blushes and hardly makes eye contact. He works doing things that make other peoples lives better. You have dated him a lot, worked with him, slept with him, made out with him, met his mother, been to his niece's soccer game and spent nights curled up in his arms. He is the one with the passion that scared you, who broke your heart, not once but ten times. He always comes back and every time he touches you, it races through you head, not this time, I really can't. But you do, and you remember how it feels, to have him close, to feel that passion, to know the heartache that will come with it all. For one moment, when your lips first touch, when his hand glides up your spine, when you give in, you know you can't let it happen again, but you never learn. You push away, make up excuses, hurt to look at him, but it is done. You have fought off his overbearing man powers one more time. At least until the next time.

I think as women we all have the ism and the kyrptonite that tie us down. They aren't the ones we spend the rest of our lives with, but that is ok. The ones we are with are the ones who are our lobsters.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Ex Love

"I hope he gets fucked by a kangaroo and eaten by crocs."
- Liza Minnelli, on ex-husband David Gest doing a Survivor-type reality show in Australia

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Chicken of the Sea

Setting: Monday night, husband and I lugging boxes into the attic, me standing at the base and handing them up, him in the attic grabbing what I push up.

Him: Have you ever watched mason's throw bricks to one another?

Me: I don't see how they could.

Him: Well, it's there job so they kind of have to.

Me: Since when is it their job to throw bricks at people as they drive around in little cars that are shaped like bowling pins. They would have to have a side car to hold them all in.

Him: Did you just say bowling pin cars?

Me: Uh, yeah. Sometimes they are in bowling balls, you know what I am talking about.

Him: Right, not Shriner mason's but brick mason's. Did you sniff too much toner at work today?

Monday, November 06, 2006

Copy Cat

In the spirit of peer pressure: 100 things about me
1. I have freakishly small ears
2. My first job was as a car hop at Sonic Drive In.
3. I did not wear skates as I can barely walk without falling.
4. My hair is all gray.
5. I color my hair natural warm brown.
6. I have a Bachelors in Social Work.
7. I have a masters degree in theology.
8. I don't use any of my educational training directly in my job.
9. I have a gorgeous daughter.
10. I have an amazing husband.
11. I don't say that he is amazing because I am unrealistic about our relationship. We fight, we disagree but we do it because we love each other.
12. I am obsessed with the Virgin Mary.
13. I am of Protestant faith.
14. My first car was a 1984 Toyota Tercel hatchback lovingly called "the bitch".
15. I am from the Midwest.
16. I like any kind of meat on a stick.
17. I am an only child.
18. I was raised by a single mother.
19. My mother is my hero.
20. I have a 65lb basset hound named Duchess. She is a very snuggly lap dog.
21. I have a tall white cat named Nick who I think is Vichy French. If you happen upon a cat sized boat neck shirt, red scarf and beret, comment immediately.
22. I never thought I would get pregnant because of karma.
23. I take Wellbutrin and I like it.
24. My favorite pop is a cherry dr. pepper from the Tastee Treet in my hometown.
25. I love onion rings.
26. My favorite time of year in my home state is when the state fair is in town. Or when it is Rooster Day.
27. I love to ride horses.
28. I know how to rope a calf and a goat.
29. I moved to where I live now 7 years ago. It was a defining moment in my life.
30. I have two tattoo's.
31. One is on my left leg. I got it the year I graduated from grad school with four close friends. I never knew I would love other people enough to do it, but I do.
32. My second one is on my lower back. It is in Hebrew. I was drunk in love when I got it.
33. I would like to get a tattoo representing my daughter.
34. I only got one stretch mark on my stomach when I was pregnant.
35. I loved being pregnant.
36. I loved birthing my daughter, which sounds really gross and weird, I know. Not many people want to hear about how amazing it was. It is the best story of my life so far.
37. I will never turn down Mexican food.
38. I have had the same best friends for years. We all live 14 hours away from each other.
39. In 4th grade I got hit in the ribs with a baseball bat.
40. In 6th grade I was told to sit out during all sport games in PE because I had no hand to eye coordination.
41. When my husband and I were dating, he took me to a practice field and taught me how to hit a baseball.
42. I love Big 12 football.
43. I hate The University of Oklahoma.
44. I have dated lots of men who have come out of the closet while I was dating them.
45. I have every album The Cure has made.
46. I enjoy cleaning house.
47. I love to bake cakes.
48. I drive a 1990's turbo Volvo station wagon with a third row seat.
49. I beg people for money at my job.
50. I cannot function without a list.
51. I do not like to go to parties.
52. I am an introvert.
53. I have to have my closet in perfect order or I can't function.
54. I have seen every episode of Seinfeld, Friends, Golden Girls and Designing Women multiple times.
55. Old School is my favorite movie.
56. I have never seen or read Gone With The Wind.
57. I can type 55 words a minute.
58. I can speak french.
59. Pink is my favorite color.
60. I am obsessed with shoes.
61. I chose my daughters godmother because she is the funniest person I know. I want my daughter to know always know laughter.
62. I graduated from high school with over 1,000 people.
63. I drink over a gallon of water a day.
64. My college's colors were green and white, they were known as the Redman and the mascot was the eagle.
65. I can't have a manicure because the thought of someone pushing my cuticles back makes me want to throw up.
66. I love white lilies and barely pink roses.
67. The first beer I ever liked was Guinness.
68. I have smoked on and off since I was 17.
69. A few years ago I convinced myself that smoking organic cigarettes wouldn't give me cancer.
70. I never had beer in a can until I was 27 years old.
71. I like all fair food including cotton candy, funnel cakes, corn dogs, spiral potatoes, pineapple whip and caramel apples.
72. I throw up on roller coasters and rides that spin around.
73. I don't know how to swim.
74. I love to whitewater raft.
75. I love to camp. Not in an RV or a cabin, but in a tent.
76. I only run when someone is chasing me.
77. My mom thought I was a boy until the moment they pulled me out.
78. I have ugly feet.
79. I love gossip, especially celebrity gossip.
80. I just did eBay for the first time two weeks ago. I got a 1960's red Samsonite overnight case.
81. I love to quilt.
82. The only holiday I decorate for is Christmas, only because my husband loves it.
83. The thing I am most worried about with being a mother is having to interact with other parents.
84. I love cold weather.
85. I love to laugh.
86. I sneeze in three's.
87. My best memories as a child involved being squeezed in the back of a two door Toyota Tercel, with grandmother and mom in the front seat, driving cross country.
88. I only had one Barbie doll. I played with her once and then threw her away.
89. My favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye.
90. My husband makes fun of me because I obsessively clean out the fridge and throw out food all the time. I am horrified at the thought of getting food poisoning.
91. My favorite smell is fresh baked bread.
92. Chocolate cannot be dark enough.
93. I love mixed tapes.
94. Jim Jones intrigues me.
95. I eat things, like irish nachos, even if I know it will make me sick.
96. I can't stand people who decorate their front yards during holiday seasons.
97. I don't shop the day after Thanksgiving.
98. My husband and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. We celebrate Ground Hog's Day.
99. Hearing my daughter laugh and seeing her smile brings tears to my eyes.
100. I like cheese.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Random Notes to Self

I have thought of lots of stuff this week, none of which is cool or interesting but still. Here you go.

1) I love that the weather is so cold now. Minus all the snotty noses in our house, nothing makes me as happy has my big duvet and wool sweaters. One of the things I miss most about living in the midwest is cold weather. This week has been a nice little reminder of home.

2) I was finally able to watch Gilmore Girls this week for the first time this season. If you haven't watched it yet, then stop reading. Ok, I was concerned about the Luke/Loralei situation and was afraid I would be really mad at Chris for coming back. But the moment she told him she needed to see him in the bathroom, he was my new love! I adore that she is able to talk to him honestly and say how she feels, even if it might not always feel good. I guess I loved that moment because that is something I deal with in my own relationship. Even though it is so scary to say what is inside of you, there is something so nice about being safe enough to be able to say what you are feeling. Ok, end of therapy session.

3) Post Gilmore Girls I actually was still able to sit and watch Veronica Mars, a show I had never watched but is now one of my favorites. If you haven't watched it yet, check it out.

4) Today they had mocha java at my coffee shop. My mouth is happy.

5) Tonight I get to watch Grey's Anatomy AND, AND eat kari kari, God's gift to the appetizer world. Plus, there will be cheap beer and dead cow on the menu. You can't go wrong with that.

6) My dog got into the trash on Monday and got to spend the night at the vet for dog food poisoning last night. She weighs 65 lbs so even a 25 lb weight at the bottom of the trash can does nothing. We are installing a can under the sink this weekend and I am pretty sure she can't ever get sick again with what this visit will cost us. However, for the queen, it is all worth it.

I think that is it. Again, nothing of importance, just my randomness. Sorry for the lack of links to shows. I just don't have the energy for it right now.

Monday, October 16, 2006

Dog Update

I just printed out my coupon and not only do I get a free Oscar Meyer hot dog, I also get a free 32 oz. drink. For once the gods are smiling upon me.

Sunday, October 15, 2006


A few years ago I made a sudden move back to where I came from. Upon checking my mail one day I ran into a friend that I had in high school and hadn't spoken to in about 10 years. I ended up hanging out with him quite a bit and reconnecting with other people I assumed were dead or in prison. One guy, who had just gotten out of jail for busting out a neighbors windshield while legally intoxicated, was telling me about a new job he had gotten at the local Kum and Go. Kum and Go used to be Git and Go, a more trailer trash version of QuikTrip, and was lovingly referred to as Ejaculate and Evacuate after the novel name change. When Joel started working there he was warned about someone getting a "cup of dogs". Joel quickly found out that a cup of dogs involved a person coming into the gas station, getting a 32 oz. cup from the fountain and then placing six to eight hotdogs into the cup, placing a lid on the cup and going to the register to check out. Taking a cup of dogs had become so popular at this particular Kum and Go that the clerks were required to ask buyers to remove the lids from their drinks for inspection. Upon hearing this story I only wished that I was genius that had thought of this.

I will be the first one to raise my hand and say that I love hot dogs. The word love doesn't even do justice to my feelings for them. Everyone kept telling me that I needed to ask for jewelry after having the bean, all I wanted was
this. I can eat hot dogs from street vendors, at baseball games and have been known to sit in front of our fireplace roasting hotdogs and drinking beer . Today as I was pumping gas at my neighborhood QT, I was distantly saw a sign on a column where I could vaguely see the word hot dog beaming out of the text. As I stepped closer to read the sign it was as if all my dreams were coming true. I could go here fill out a quick form and in mere moments be back at this very same QT pulling my hot juicy dog out of the turner. I realized after taking all of this in that it was my duty as an American to pass this info onto the world, or at least the three people who read this blog. Consider this your PSA for the day.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Sucking Hole

This week has about sucked my will to live. Between over eating vanilla cream cake, getting to bed late, listening for a sick baby to cough and stop breathing, netting 2 good hours of sleep a night and a dumbass grant process that popped up with two day notice, I am wondering if I have the ability to even brush my hair anymore. Which I didn't today and I am sure was noticed by everyone I work with. As well as the fact I was wearing flip flops, again, in October. I work with a woman who had her daughter 10 days before I had mine. She looks rested when she comes to work, she is out at meetings all day long, pumping as she goes, smiling all the way. I want to shove her down the stairs sometimes mainly because I am jealous that I don't have my shit together. I keep thinking with every month I am back at work, that she gets older, that my husband helps out more I will get it more together. Doubtful I think.

On a random note, as I was driving to work this AM I saw a guy get hit by a car while he was riding his bike across the street. Street is an inadequate way to describe a MAJOR thoroughfare that thousands of people drive on every day getting to work. He seemed to think that a yellow flashing light would indicate to people driving that they should stop. Well, dumbass, you live in a major metropolitan area where they don't share the road and where the road is still dark at 7 AM. He was fine, despite the fact he was riding without a helmet. He did have nice folks who stopped traffice for him to pick up his bike parts that were littering the road. The person who hit him kept driving. Ok, so I guess my day didn't suck that bad.

Friday, October 06, 2006

So, right.

I guess I lied because I have realized that if I can't even share my innermost worries, happiness and fear with anyone but my husband, how can I tell you internets? I can't. At least not before we have that third date. You know, that one. Ok, keep your hands in your pockets, we'll get there soon enough.

So, in fact, I will be telling you what I had to eat for lunch, what new shampoo I am trying this week and how to get those summer feet nice and smooth for winter snuggling. Let's do this.

ps-It was Spaghetti O's and not because my daughter was eating them. It's because I operate my life like an 8 year old who is married with a 4 month old child.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

It Can Happen to Anyone

Me getting knocked up is about as suprising as me starting a blog. I don't really know why I am doing this. I guess because peer pressure sucks ass. I don't think anyone really cares about my feelings about being a mom or all the things that seem to happen to our family. Who knows, maybe someone will google this enough and I will be famous. Or at least figure out a way to be creative.

I am not going to pretend that I am funny or a good writer. I know you don't want to hear what I ate for lunch today or how many times the doodle bug took a dump. I will be honest in this blog about being a mother; the joy, the fear and frustration because I don't think enough women talk about all the hard stuff that comes with taking on another roll. In short, I am a mother, a wife, a daughter and a friend. If I could only figure out how to manage them all.