You Come Regular Like Seasons

A few years back, in an attempt to make sense of our emotional well being, one of my best friends and I came up with a vocabulary of relationships. Noting that both of us were/are not the pinnacle of healthy interactions with the opposite sex only fueled our conversation as we sat for hours drinking strong martini's and listening to The Cure.

We didn't figure out much that night, other than 100 proof vodka is not the way to go, but we did come up with some ways to define certain points and men in our lives. I have always felt these to be universal feelings and maybe you don't use these exact words to define who they are, but I can almost guarantee you will know that man within five seconds of reading our definitions.

My "ism" is from high school. We met in 1993 which was a rough year for me, as it seemed all my angst rolled into one big pretty ball right at that moment. We worked together and literally, for 13 years, we have done this dance. It never is right. One of us has someone, lives someplace else, is working too much, is doing a PhD, is tired of love, is getting divorce, has a baby. You know the list, it goes on. He pops up out of no where, the email showing up on my account, my heart aching with forgotten memories. I have his number in my cell phone but we haven't talked in years. His pictures are buried in my box of forgotteness, my picture is still in his wallet.

We haven't kissed since 1995. I saw him in 2004, right after my husband and I had made the decision to get a divorce. I was living back in my home state, he was visiting his parents. We went and ate Mexican food and drank beer at a dive little place in downtown. We held hands under the table and talked about all the things we had done wrong. I drove him back to his fathers house and we sat in my car, holding each other, appropriately enough listening to Wilco, both knowing nothing would happen this time either. That was the last time I saw him. We have shared a smattering of emails, no more lost wishes. There are lots of guys I have been with in more intimate ways than he and I have shared. Hearing from him makes my heart go into my mouth. I never want to be with him, I know it would never work. The comfort I have is always knowing he is there, even when it doesn't matter.

Oddly enough, my ism isn't the next issue I have. I think every woman has a weakness, that one guy that no matter how happy you are in your relationship, no matter how much he has hurt you before, you see him and in one second your panties are around your ankles and you are up against the wall. Ok, maybe the panties are a bit much, but I think we all know what I am talking about: your kryptonite.

He is the guy that is way tall, with dark hair and deep set dark eyes. He wears a baseball cap, a lot, and a black pea coat. His cords hang on his narrow hips and when he stretches, you see the tops of his boxer shorts slightly elevated above his belt. His six pack abs stun you. He is quiet, likes to camp and hike and even has a chocolate lab. He drives a car with racks on top and listens to Radiohead through his iPod at his desk. He blushes and hardly makes eye contact. He works doing things that make other peoples lives better. You have dated him a lot, worked with him, slept with him, made out with him, met his mother, been to his niece's soccer game and spent nights curled up in his arms. He is the one with the passion that scared you, who broke your heart, not once but ten times. He always comes back and every time he touches you, it races through you head, not this time, I really can't. But you do, and you remember how it feels, to have him close, to feel that passion, to know the heartache that will come with it all. For one moment, when your lips first touch, when his hand glides up your spine, when you give in, you know you can't let it happen again, but you never learn. You push away, make up excuses, hurt to look at him, but it is done. You have fought off his overbearing man powers one more time. At least until the next time.

I think as women we all have the ism and the kyrptonite that tie us down. They aren't the ones we spend the rest of our lives with, but that is ok. The ones we are with are the ones who are our lobsters.

Ex Love

"I hope he gets fucked by a kangaroo and eaten by crocs."
- Liza Minnelli, on ex-husband David Gest doing a Survivor-type reality show in Australia

Chicken of the Sea

Setting: Monday night, husband and I lugging boxes into the attic, me standing at the base and handing them up, him in the attic grabbing what I push up.

Him: Have you ever watched mason's throw bricks to one another?

Me: I don't see how they could.

Him: Well, it's there job so they kind of have to.

Me: Since when is it their job to throw bricks at people as they drive around in little cars that are shaped like bowling pins. They would have to have a side car to hold them all in.

Him: Did you just say bowling pin cars?

Me: Uh, yeah. Sometimes they are in bowling balls, you know what I am talking about.

Him: Right, not Shriner mason's but brick mason's. Did you sniff too much toner at work today?

Copy Cat

In the spirit of peer pressure: 100 things about me
1. I have freakishly small ears
2. My first job was as a car hop at Sonic Drive In.
3. I did not wear skates as I can barely walk without falling.
4. My hair is all gray.
5. I color my hair natural warm brown.
6. I have a Bachelors in Social Work.
7. I have a masters degree in theology.
8. I don't use any of my educational training directly in my job.
9. I have a gorgeous daughter.
10. I have an amazing husband.
11. I don't say that he is amazing because I am unrealistic about our relationship. We fight, we disagree but we do it because we love each other.
12. I am obsessed with the Virgin Mary.
13. I am of Protestant faith.
14. My first car was a 1984 Toyota Tercel hatchback lovingly called "the bitch".
15. I am from the Midwest.
16. I like any kind of meat on a stick.
17. I am an only child.
18. I was raised by a single mother.
19. My mother is my hero.
20. I have a 65lb basset hound named Duchess. She is a very snuggly lap dog.
21. I have a tall white cat named Nick who I think is Vichy French. If you happen upon a cat sized boat neck shirt, red scarf and beret, comment immediately.
22. I never thought I would get pregnant because of karma.
23. I take Wellbutrin and I like it.
24. My favorite pop is a cherry dr. pepper from the Tastee Treet in my hometown.
25. I love onion rings.
26. My favorite time of year in my home state is when the state fair is in town. Or when it is Rooster Day.
27. I love to ride horses.
28. I know how to rope a calf and a goat.
29. I moved to where I live now 7 years ago. It was a defining moment in my life.
30. I have two tattoo's.
31. One is on my left leg. I got it the year I graduated from grad school with four close friends. I never knew I would love other people enough to do it, but I do.
32. My second one is on my lower back. It is in Hebrew. I was drunk in love when I got it.
33. I would like to get a tattoo representing my daughter.
34. I only got one stretch mark on my stomach when I was pregnant.
35. I loved being pregnant.
36. I loved birthing my daughter, which sounds really gross and weird, I know. Not many people want to hear about how amazing it was. It is the best story of my life so far.
37. I will never turn down Mexican food.
38. I have had the same best friends for years. We all live 14 hours away from each other.
39. In 4th grade I got hit in the ribs with a baseball bat.
40. In 6th grade I was told to sit out during all sport games in PE because I had no hand to eye coordination.
41. When my husband and I were dating, he took me to a practice field and taught me how to hit a baseball.
42. I love Big 12 football.
43. I hate The University of Oklahoma.
44. I have dated lots of men who have come out of the closet while I was dating them.
45. I have every album The Cure has made.
46. I enjoy cleaning house.
47. I love to bake cakes.
48. I drive a 1990's turbo Volvo station wagon with a third row seat.
49. I beg people for money at my job.
50. I cannot function without a list.
51. I do not like to go to parties.
52. I am an introvert.
53. I have to have my closet in perfect order or I can't function.
54. I have seen every episode of Seinfeld, Friends, Golden Girls and Designing Women multiple times.
55. Old School is my favorite movie.
56. I have never seen or read Gone With The Wind.
57. I can type 55 words a minute.
58. I can speak french.
59. Pink is my favorite color.
60. I am obsessed with shoes.
61. I chose my daughters godmother because she is the funniest person I know. I want my daughter to know always know laughter.
62. I graduated from high school with over 1,000 people.
63. I drink over a gallon of water a day.
64. My college's colors were green and white, they were known as the Redman and the mascot was the eagle.
65. I can't have a manicure because the thought of someone pushing my cuticles back makes me want to throw up.
66. I love white lilies and barely pink roses.
67. The first beer I ever liked was Guinness.
68. I have smoked on and off since I was 17.
69. A few years ago I convinced myself that smoking organic cigarettes wouldn't give me cancer.
70. I never had beer in a can until I was 27 years old.
71. I like all fair food including cotton candy, funnel cakes, corn dogs, spiral potatoes, pineapple whip and caramel apples.
72. I throw up on roller coasters and rides that spin around.
73. I don't know how to swim.
74. I love to whitewater raft.
75. I love to camp. Not in an RV or a cabin, but in a tent.
76. I only run when someone is chasing me.
77. My mom thought I was a boy until the moment they pulled me out.
78. I have ugly feet.
79. I love gossip, especially celebrity gossip.
80. I just did eBay for the first time two weeks ago. I got a 1960's red Samsonite overnight case.
81. I love to quilt.
82. The only holiday I decorate for is Christmas, only because my husband loves it.
83. The thing I am most worried about with being a mother is having to interact with other parents.
84. I love cold weather.
85. I love to laugh.
86. I sneeze in three's.
87. My best memories as a child involved being squeezed in the back of a two door Toyota Tercel, with grandmother and mom in the front seat, driving cross country.
88. I only had one Barbie doll. I played with her once and then threw her away.
89. My favorite book is The Catcher in the Rye.
90. My husband makes fun of me because I obsessively clean out the fridge and throw out food all the time. I am horrified at the thought of getting food poisoning.
91. My favorite smell is fresh baked bread.
92. Chocolate cannot be dark enough.
93. I love mixed tapes.
94. Jim Jones intrigues me.
95. I eat things, like irish nachos, even if I know it will make me sick.
96. I can't stand people who decorate their front yards during holiday seasons.
97. I don't shop the day after Thanksgiving.
98. My husband and I don't celebrate Valentine's Day. We celebrate Ground Hog's Day.
99. Hearing my daughter laugh and seeing her smile brings tears to my eyes.
100. I like cheese.