Thursday, March 22, 2007

sweet surrender

Spring has always made me restless. I can’t seem to stay under the covers at night and daylight hours find me wanting to jump out of my office window to enjoy the drenching rays of the sun. I spend too much time online looking for a good baseball game to go to and dream of having just one night away with my husband. Sometimes I don’t even think about my husband. I think about being someplace exotic with someone who doesn’t know my annoying habits or where all my stretch marks are. Maybe I will flirt with someone today but probably not. Those thoughts quickly go away as I realize that, in fact, I have a mom stomach and boobs and that is ok. Comfort is what I need right now.

It is around this time of year that I can taste the seasons changing. It isn’t because I am covered with green pollen, a characteristic of spring where I live; it is because something inside of me is moving. After months of darkness, feeling helpless and tired and unworthy, the sun starts to shine a bit more. The open windows bring in the soft breeze that transforms. I think back to the woman of February who was distraught about her job, aching for more time to spend with her child, crying on her husbands shoulder every night in bed because she felt weak and stupid for not being able to do it all. I looked up the number for a psychiatric clinic in February because I didn’t think I could do it. And the truth is, I can’t. I can’t expect myself to do it all. Some is good enough right now-some is what gets me through the day. Watching my daughter dig her little piglet toes into the dark warm soil in our backyard reminds me I am doing ok. Taking a walk with the dog as the sun sets and the coolness of evening sets in, reminds me I am doing ok. Sitting outside around the fire pit enjoying a glass of wine with my husband reminds me I am doing ok. Spring has shaken me up the right way this year.

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